i'm learning i think!

i am discovering more and more about people... i dealt with the screening process of a possible tenant today...neurotic and drunk atleast the guy was...yikes! Why do people do that to themselves you know, if you are coming to look at a place to live shouldn't you come sober and atleast pretend to be okay! so, just thinking about this i guess i think of my own experiences! when i was growing up i was dealing with an alcoholic parent but she was a completly amazing person when she was sober! She proved to me what was right in many ways it was just the drinking that dissolved her reality! I loved my mom so much that i would do anything to not get taken away from her when i was a teenager. I would also ride in the truck with her when she went to the store drunk to get more booze...i figured i think that if i was with her atleast i could have some control over her safety and know that it was going to be alright...somehow everything was alright, we never got pulled over and she never got a dui...not to say i agree with drinking and driving, i think you are a retard if you do it because of the serious danger of yourself and especially others! There was so many things that went through my head on a daily basis when i was a teenager...especially the guessing game if she was going to be drunk or sober when i came home or even when i got up in the morning... Something that i think has taught me to be cautious of people breathing when i am caregiving is the fact that i would stand over her and make sure she was breathing, to make sure that the drinking hadn't totally killed her! Sometimes she'd black out and we'd have a break! in saying this though, i love my mom even more since she got through the terrible destruction no matter how or why she had to stop! this is life this is how we sometimes learn...i guess i learned from that experience that you can be sober, you can try even for a short period of time to pull yourself together! you can be strong in times of weakness! you really can! JUST TRY HARDER...FIND YOUR FOCUS...GOD IS CLOSER THAN YOU THINK
When I go to church lately i feel this incredible warfare of challenge...right when i am really feeling strong and great i hit a wall of pessimism...this last sunday i talked about it and i felt it change inside of me....i often beat myself up for talking but at the same time a trial came clear because i talked it out...not to say i don't feel sorry for the person who had to hear it, because i do feel bad every time...but hey i made it to the other side and i'm going back to church anyway!
This is kinda like how i feel with ballet/dance right now...i feel so lost because i can't lose the extra weight and because of all the shoulda coulda woulda's but at the same time i feel so much beauty anyways by the training that is already inside of me and the training that still is to come...pain too has hindered me in so many ways but between my passions and God i don't see any stopping what i love to do anytime soon because of it!
I want the best things in life for myself that involve my passions and God's plan...i want to stay focused and willing! I just want to continue to learn and be apart of this journey of beautiful transpirations!
I also want the best for people (and animals) around me...i think that all people deserve a chance but what are they doing to make the chance better next time!
I understand how hard life is, I understand that it seems like alcohol, drugs, or some kind of dependence seems like it makes it easier to deal with but in all reality you always come back to having to deal with yourself in the end, having to deal with your own heart...it'll hurt but there is always the other side of the wall...God has proved himself to me through some of the weakess, darkess trials of my life...He is there wether you want him there or not...that is the knowing...that is the belonging...that is the strength to your weakness and i know because i have been there in my own journey and i have definatly screwed up my share and am still dealing with it...but i'm learning to live life in love and honesty, with myself, with others and especially between my heart and God!