forgotten me...

...sometimes, i walk into a room full force knowing why i am there, but often times forgotten me! Now, at the age of 33 almost 34, i am finding pieces of the puzzle, pieces of who i am! Sometimes people expect me to be a certain way like how i used to respond to things...but i can't...i have to have space, quiet, few words, few stimulants. Sure some things in me are automatically how they were all my life or so but so much has grown closer to my hearts response. I crave quiet space, clear space, positive energy space, space to heal...i crave being close in my heart. I can't just respond or i may just be plain mean, even if my intention is different. I am finding myself in so many ways that i do like but sure there are still things i have to work on and i'm growing closer to that, just by knowing that, responding to this! My soul longs for honesty and peace...freedom, desire, loyalty, passion, sacred dancing, sacred places, love...loving intentions, loving piercings all around me...

wow...

Wow...I am totally freaking out yet could care less really! I just had my bathroom ceiling cave in yesterday...yesterday i was upset a little, today just nervous about it and all that is around me...tomorrow i have to miss work for the repair (i hope it gets done then)...but right now, i don't know, i took a shower anyway with an open ceiling because i was starting to stink...i keep the door shut to my bathroom so my cat doesn't get in there and get hurt or try to explore the open ceiling...that is what i'm most worried about! I feel sicker by the day but am just stewing in it all...i am craving dance so bad but just haven't been able to go for the last week and a half! hmmmmm...now i wait PATIENTLY for this all to be taken care of. i did buy a little gadget that i wanted and the New Moon book and a used t.v. I am trying to start my schooling yet somehow trying to survive and work...i'm kinda lost in my faith somewhere, not sure where i am at all...i feel love but not desire to do anything really...no umph to stew in anything really...i'm anxious, exhausted, devoured, demolished, yet unsatiable uninspired to inspire to find reality, forgiveness, soft heart, understanding, letting go...i feel like i'm trying to hold on to something but am slipping it away between my fingers...i can't hold on to it...whatever it is! I'm sick and exhausted and don't understand what it is! My tremors are worse than ever, i feel sick, can't eat...could sleep, not sleeping, not dancing, not doing anything really...feel bad to miss work but have to have a functioning shower...i'm supposed to be manager yet nothing is managing to go forth...i'm too tired to care, too hungry to eat, too bored to be entertained, too overwhelmed to be bored...i just don't know what or where i am these days...mostly uninspired, too inspired, too listless, too overwhelmed...way too exhausted...it feels like the time is here to crawl into a hole and hide...yet jump out in the sun and smile like i'm doing something worthwhile!

i'm learning i think!

i am discovering more and more about people... i dealt with the screening process of a possible tenant today...neurotic and drunk atleast the guy was...yikes! Why do people do that to themselves you know, if you are coming to look at a place to live shouldn't you come sober and atleast pretend to be okay! so, just thinking about this i guess i think of my own experiences! when i was growing up i was dealing with an alcoholic parent but she was a completly amazing person when she was sober! She proved to me what was right in many ways it was just the drinking that dissolved her reality! I loved my mom so much that i would do anything to not get taken away from her when i was a teenager. I would also ride in the truck with her when she went to the store drunk to get more booze...i figured i think that if i was with her atleast i could have some control over her safety and know that it was going to be alright...somehow everything was alright, we never got pulled over and she never got a dui...not to say i agree with drinking and driving, i think you are a retard if you do it because of the serious danger of yourself and especially others! There was so many things that went through my head on a daily basis when i was a teenager...especially the guessing game if she was going to be drunk or sober when i came home or even when i got up in the morning... Something that i think has taught me to be cautious of people breathing when i am caregiving is the fact that i would stand over her and make sure she was breathing, to make sure that the drinking hadn't totally killed her! Sometimes she'd black out and we'd have a break! in saying this though, i love my mom even more since she got through the terrible destruction no matter how or why she had to stop! this is life this is how we sometimes learn...i guess i learned from that experience that you can be sober, you can try even for a short period of time to pull yourself together! you can be strong in times of weakness! you really can! JUST TRY HARDER...FIND YOUR FOCUS...GOD IS CLOSER THAN YOU THINK
When I go to church lately i feel this incredible warfare of challenge...right when i am really feeling strong and great i hit a wall of pessimism...this last sunday i talked about it and i felt it change inside of me....i often beat myself up for talking but at the same time a trial came clear because i talked it out...not to say i don't feel sorry for the person who had to hear it, because i do feel bad every time...but hey i made it to the other side and i'm going back to church anyway!
This is kinda like how i feel with ballet/dance right now...i feel so lost because i can't lose the extra weight and because of all the shoulda coulda woulda's but at the same time i feel so much beauty anyways by the training that is already inside of me and the training that still is to come...pain too has hindered me in so many ways but between my passions and God i don't see any stopping what i love to do anytime soon because of it!
I want the best things in life for myself that involve my passions and God's plan...i want to stay focused and willing! I just want to continue to learn and be apart of this journey of beautiful transpirations!
I also want the best for people (and animals) around me...i think that all people deserve a chance but what are they doing to make the chance better next time!
I understand how hard life is, I understand that it seems like alcohol, drugs, or some kind of dependence seems like it makes it easier to deal with but in all reality you always come back to having to deal with yourself in the end, having to deal with your own heart...it'll hurt but there is always the other side of the wall...God has proved himself to me through some of the weakess, darkess trials of my life...He is there wether you want him there or not...that is the knowing...that is the belonging...that is the strength to your weakness and i know because i have been there in my own journey and i have definatly screwed up my share and am still dealing with it...but i'm learning to live life in love and honesty, with myself, with others and especially between my heart and God!

I want to...

i want to run free
i want to fly in the wind
i want to bury myself in a cocoon
i want to dance my heart out
i want to give God all that i am
i want to dream bigger
i want to keep feeling, touching, believing
i want to hold people when they feel like they're falling
i want to be kind and with love in all that i do
i want
i want
i want
i want to live in the work of my god
i want to be even more of who my heart is
i want to transpire my passions even more
i want to dance in worship every minute of my life
i want to give, to inspire, to dance for those who can't
i want to dance without pain
i want to sing without fear
i want to be my desires
i want to be who God wants of me
i want to transpire my gifts
i want to speak the words of my heart the way god would want me to
i want to be pleasing to him
i want to go deeper, be raw, to just be
i want to keep on this journey that is supposed to be with optimism and knowing
i want to want to live in totality of purpose and longing
i want to trust in my purpose
i want to have the confidence and the full voice to achieve
i choose to follow my heart in sincere honesty
i choose to follow the cry of my heart
if all else gets lost i still have what's within me...God's plan

Nothing Less than who i am within my heart

Nothing Less than who i am within my heart
Philippians 1:6 ~ being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ: 7 ~ just as it is right for me to think this of you all, because I have you in my heart, inasmuch as both in my chains and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel, you all are partakers with me of grace.
This scripture has really been on my heart...I think of my life and often want to look back but looking back sometimes is such a warfare in my soul. I am nothing less than who i am within my heart. I know that God has plans for me and thus far has carried me in grace. I feel so much but can't always act on what my heart desires. I am learning more and more everyday about who I am...I am finding good things, I am finding the truth of my being and I like knowing just that. I like that I can know these things about myself and grow from where I am...I like that I haven't shut the door to whats available to me...i like that I am still here and still seeking. I like that I am earning boundaries yet keeping my heart soft and my arms open. I am feeling good about what God has done in me and am thankful for the grace that He has poured all over me...sure i get stuck, discouraged, and annoyed but I haven't given up on having faith in what He has in store for me even when my flesh seems like it. As you know I've been through circles in my faith but in the end I always know where I've been and knowing I have a guide for where I'm going. My journey is always a surprise but also a kind of familiarity inside of me. I spend a lot of time crying when i am vulnerable but when i come out of that softness I am stronger for letting God in! The more I am honest and pure in heart with God the more I am honest with my being...It all makes me better at what I have before my plate.
I know that I do what I do because of Him and just feeling that I am doing what I am called to do in heart makes all the difference...
These things I know in God!
I hurt a lot in my body but my heart is becoming stronger
I am poor in material things but rich with love to offer
I am only human but my hands can heal and my heart can transpire
I am in love with my creator and it makes my life precious
I feel, I touch, I breathe
When I need solace I know where to turn as I am already coddled anyway
When I walk daily He is in every single move I make even in bad choices He guides me back to seek his face
No matter the words I say my heart is raw for Him...My hearts desires are louder than words can speak!