wow...

Wow...I am totally freaking out yet could care less really! I just had my bathroom ceiling cave in yesterday...yesterday i was upset a little, today just nervous about it and all that is around me...tomorrow i have to miss work for the repair (i hope it gets done then)...but right now, i don't know, i took a shower anyway with an open ceiling because i was starting to stink...i keep the door shut to my bathroom so my cat doesn't get in there and get hurt or try to explore the open ceiling...that is what i'm most worried about! I feel sicker by the day but am just stewing in it all...i am craving dance so bad but just haven't been able to go for the last week and a half! hmmmmm...now i wait PATIENTLY for this all to be taken care of. i did buy a little gadget that i wanted and the New Moon book and a used t.v. I am trying to start my schooling yet somehow trying to survive and work...i'm kinda lost in my faith somewhere, not sure where i am at all...i feel love but not desire to do anything really...no umph to stew in anything really...i'm anxious, exhausted, devoured, demolished, yet unsatiable uninspired to inspire to find reality, forgiveness, soft heart, understanding, letting go...i feel like i'm trying to hold on to something but am slipping it away between my fingers...i can't hold on to it...whatever it is! I'm sick and exhausted and don't understand what it is! My tremors are worse than ever, i feel sick, can't eat...could sleep, not sleeping, not dancing, not doing anything really...feel bad to miss work but have to have a functioning shower...i'm supposed to be manager yet nothing is managing to go forth...i'm too tired to care, too hungry to eat, too bored to be entertained, too overwhelmed to be bored...i just don't know what or where i am these days...mostly uninspired, too inspired, too listless, too overwhelmed...way too exhausted...it feels like the time is here to crawl into a hole and hide...yet jump out in the sun and smile like i'm doing something worthwhile!